Divorced Fathers Can Still Celebrate Being A Father

“Those who cut down good trees shall see never sign of blessing”(Tosefta, B'khorim II)

Fathers, regardless of the ravages of divorce don’t stop being fathers to your children. Provide good roots for your children; your children are extensions of you and possess your attributes, behaviors and emotional nuances. They still need your guidance and love to grow into productive men and women.

The process of divorce forces men to start over in life, requiring them to seek a new beginning, and rebuilding a relationship with their children, renewing their own spirituality, and the redirection of personal priorities in life. No matter what cultural background, maturity range, salary scale or religious conviction, divorce can be overwhelming, demeaning, financially draining (especially if you are providing child support and or alimony), and an emotional roller coaster that never seems to end.


In Matthew 6:33 it states, “..seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness…”, when searching for a redirection and renewed purpose through this challenging time, the best guide is the reading and interpretation of the Bible along with seeking the understanding of God’s Word. The reading and interpretation can refocus your life, redirect your spirituality through scripture and provide comfort and solace. Having gone through divorce it forced an accepting of what I need to improve in myself, not focusing on my perceived faults or shortcomings of others. The emotional turmoil of blame, anger, self-pity and shame are discarded and are distant memories. Now I focus on forgiving,accepting and my need to grow as a Christian man that is not perfect, but growing in the Lord every day.


As a divorced father I questioned how can I move on with my life, amplify my spirituality as a Christina man and be in my children’s lives being a positive force and not promoting or displaying negativity, these are my focus points. This day and everyday focusing on yourself as a father and man, refocus on the responsibilities of being a father, despite the drama of “Baby Mama Drama” that all men go through. This is not just a “Black thing”. Renewing and recharging the commitment and covenant you have with your children. Children are a blessing from God as written in Psalm 127:3, thus with this knowledge, our children being blessings from God we as men and fathers have a responsibility to be a part of our children’s lives and accept them as precious blessings from God our heavenly father. We have a responsibility to show Godly actions even when all round us there may be chaos and confusion. How can we grow if we hang on to our old actions and perceptions?


Fathers remember children are not commodities to be traded, fought over, or bargained for. Their well being should be placed first during this time of upheaval and emotional stress. Children do not cause divorce, but are directly affected by it. Because of this situation fathers will have to make sacrifices that will allow us to stay in our children’s lives. Our goal is to provide the best for our children regardless if they are with their mothers or with us. No one can take away from you that you are a parent and thus you must continue to aid in your children’s growth in dynamic ways. We may not be physically in the home, but our teachings, modeling, and prayers are present in our children’s life. Our essence of what we are is shared within our children. We must communicate with our children love, respect, and a commitment to guide them even when they do not want it. That means seeing them when we say we will, visiting their schools to check on them, calling to say Hello and I love you. Spending quality timewith our children and not competing with the other parent for our children’s attentions and loyalties.



As is states in Ephesians 6:4, “bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord”, our first responsibility that we must continue to teach our sons is to be respectful in order to get respect, the importance of education to obtain a career, provide for oneself and family and putting God first in all they do. Being fathers in our deeds and duties our sons will follow as we set the example of behavior.

In accordance with our sons we must also direct our daughters to be independent thinkers and aspire to be self supportive, not leaning on being reliant on any man to always provide for them. Our daughters will seek a man similar to our actions, demeanor and emotional statues even if it is self-destructive at times. We set the foundation on which they will look for in a mate. Just as our sons we must teach our daughters who will be mothers one day to put God first in their lives and seek Godly men. Not men who follow the latest trends in fashions, drugs, sexual deviations, cars and other material/physical things which are not long lasting and fleeting with time. We must teach our little girls that they are and can be empowered with dreams and aspirations to be successful. Using our best judgments even when challenged, highlight the best in them and their mothers.


No child likes to hear their father or mother verbally torn down and demeaned in any way, having gone through this myself and still at times, it challenges my spiritually and new acceptance to be saved. I had to pray when my children’s mother and her mother talked about me in an unkind way to my children about me, but I give God all the glory and praise, because I proved them wrong in my Actions and not just my Words. I madea commitment to be saved and worked to show it.

Sometimes you have to show that you are saved by conducting yourself as a Christian, speaking Christian words and not present yourself in an unChristian manner. As you work to this you are showing God, yourself and your children that you are a better person. Sometimes it does take time, but if you are going to be a Christian it is not easy and takes perseverance and continuous prayer.


Stated in John 10:30, “I and my father are one” Jesus makes this statement as a testimony to his father. The same holds true for fathers and their children, you are one in many ways with your children. Some of these ways are visually evident and some ways will manifest themselves as your child matures into adulthood. Through our lives we as men and fathers have obtained wisdom that we should pass on to our children. To prevent them from making the same mistakes as we have made.


Stated in John 10:30, “I and my father are one” Jesus makes this statement as a testimony to his father. The same holds true for fathers and their children, you are one in many ways with your children. Some of these ways are visually evident and some ways will manifest themselves as your child matures into adulthood. Through our lives we as men and fathers have obtained wisdom that we should pass on to our children. To prevent them from making the same mistakes as we have made.



In Proverbs 4:1-27 there is discussion of wisdom, gaining it through life experiences and reading of the Word. “Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom…” (Proverbs 4:7), and share it so our children will not make the same mistakes as we have. Real fathers guide their children, helping them to “deviate from the possible path of the wicked, and not go in the way of evil men” (Proverbs 4:14). Be the father your father may not have been to you, be the dad that your children can be proud of and seek for guidance. Remember that children are very forgiving and will not stay children forever. They will forgive your mistakes if you give them a chance and be open and honest with them. Send praise and worship up to our heavenly father first and watch the blessings come down. Take your children to church with you and teach them why they should go to church. To prepare them for lives challenges and that there is a God that loves themand is there for them.

Starting over is not easy, but the path can be much straighter, peaceful, comforting and less challenging if we recognize our heavenly Father first and continue to do the right thing by him and our children. Divorce is not the end of fatherhood just a new beginning and an opportunity to grow, but with the proper guidance from God’s help and the reading of his Word and sharing it with our children all will grow stronger.God Bless the divorced fathers, we are still fathers and dads in our children’s lives, but must stay involved, concerned and in prayer for wisdom and guidance.

William Jackson, M.Ed.
"Copyright William Jackson, All Rights Reserved 2008."

God First When Communicating With Your Sons

Ephesians 6:4 “And ye fathers, provoke
not your children to wrath; but bring
them up in the nurture and
admonition of the Lord”.


As a father having a 16 year old son, I find it
challenging to talk to him at times, to really
have a discussion about his week at school,
home, his friends, his worries and
concerns. It is especially hard since he
and his sister live an hour away with
their mother and I see them every other
weekend. So when I pick them up I start off with a smile.

Smiles are strange things for some
men; Wekevia defines a smile as a ”facial expression characterized
by an upward curving of the corners of the mouth and indicating
pleasure, amusement or derision”. To many men a smile is sometimes
portrayed as weakness, but why is weakness associated with a
symbol of acceptance, love and pride?

Children interpret 85% of their communication with the father or father
figure in their lives by non-verbal gestures. When you break it down,
“most communication is actually non-verbal. This means that factors
like posture, facial expression, hand movement, and eye contact
play a significant role in communicating” (4parenting.gov). As men
we rarely verbally express to our sons how we feel; stated in
1 John 3:18, ” My little children let us not love inward, neither (with)
tongue, but in deed and truth”. A response is faster through the physical
messages that we as men give as opposed to the verbal responses we project.

Since we model for our sons, the author K. Harris of Prince, The Future King series states, “fathers are critically important to their children’s well being and are a role model for their sons.”

It is widely known how important fathers are in the lives of their children; statistics abound with data on how fathers affect discipline, academic achievement, and social relationships.
My father was not in my life so Idid not get foundation for communicating as a young man, so I watched other fathers with their sons to learn how to be a good communicator to my son. This taught me how to communicate from a multicultural perspective since that is the world we live in. This coincides with the writings in Proverbs 4:1 which states, “Hear ye children the instruction of a father and attend to know understanding”.
Men, teach your children that you will guide them and nurture them, but not lead them down the wrong paths.

The interactivity of a father and son can range in emotions from respectful, happy, joyous, awkward, rebellious or confrontational. Smiles and hugs can defuse a possible confrontational situation and confirm feeling of love, respect
and acceptance. Our interaction with our son(s) should come with either a hug, a smile, a pat on the back, and or words of encouragement not cussing, physical violence and the denigration of their inner spirituality. Our children like us are spiritual beings that need guidance and opportunities to grow.

Stated in Blacknews.com (2006), “Child research has consistently demonstrated that loving, involved fathers are beneficial to the health, education and welfare of their children. When fathers are absent from the home or uninvolved in the learning and developmental process children suffer”. As a teacher at an elementary school and a professor at a local community college I see the results of the lack of a father figure in many homes. This is not to say that mothers are not doing a good job, on the contrary many are doing an excellent job, but a mother is challenged in teaching a son or sons how to be a man in today’s world.

In modifying discipline and addressing behavioral challenges, smiles are used to reinforce learning outcomes and redirect inappropriate behavior. What child would want a smack down instead of a smile and a hug? Discipline works better when it is proactive by addressing positive behaviors before hand not just reacting to negative behaviors when they occur. Research has shown that it does not matter the ethic background of the child so there is no “White” way or “Black” way to discipline. I have been told on several occasions that I treat my children like they are white by talking to them and providing positive reinforcement instead of beating the he** out of them. My reply to this statement is, “slavery has been over for many years, it is time to stop the slave mentality of trying to beat our youth into submission”.

Do we challenge our children’s behavior through the use of fear or love?

When will the generational mentality change to help our children grow into positive and productive adults? Stated during an NEA convention in 2006 to fathers nation wide, “.. tell your children how much you admire their good
qualities... Listening to your children and talking with them and not at them are all rewards, the kind that you can give hundreds of times every day”. Stated in 1 John 3:11, “…for this is the message that ye heard from the
beginning, that we should love one another”. We have to remember that our teenage sons want the same things that we as adult men want, to be respected, loved and trusted.

They must be taught to respect, how to love and how to gain trust. Trust comes in many forms and fashions, when reading Ephesians 4:25, “wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbor: for we are members one of another”. So men unite in a common quest to raise our sons whether you are in the home or not and accept the responsibilities that we have as contributors of life.

To speak truth to our sons and to each other, in Ephesians 4:29 states, “let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that may minister grace unto the hearers.”
The hearers and those that witness our actions are our children, our young men struggling to be men, waiting for a word from their fathers, a word of truth, a word of respect, a word of acceptance and love.

How can we reinforce these, with a smile and a hug.

William Jackson
“Copyright William Jackson. All Rights Reserved 2008."

A Tribute To Black Men

A Tribute To My Brothers:
“What Black Men Are”
by William Jackson, M.Ed.
william.Jackson@ewc.edu

Black men are ageless, ageless like the land that has been in existence longer than any other land. The Motherland, the land that nurtured
him and aided him to provide for his family. Allowing him to walk the land admiring her beauty and taking in her love. Ageless in his wisdom that even Socrates and Plato had to respect.
Black men are athletic, an athletic talent honed from
years of hunting, tracking, running, jumping and crafting
his physical skills to perfection. Perfection in physical
accomplishments to the point of being undisputedly
the best athletes in the world.
Black men are brave, brave like the primates who dared
to explore their world during their evolution, disregarding
their physical limitations and challenging their cognitive
potential to rationalize, understand and interact in a
dynamically changing world.
Black men are creative, creative like the pygmies that hunt
through the jungle using such stealth that an Army Green
Beret would be envious. The creative spirit that has allowed
Black men to create the things in our lives, that are necessary
in order to survive and flourish.
Black men are diverse, diverse like the hundreds of languages
and dialects spoken on the African continent. This diversity
allows Black men to blend into their environments to adapt,
evolve and enlarge their territory.
Black men are intelligent, intelligent enough to find ways to
revolutionize music. Intelligent to find ways to perform
surgery years before European influences that tried to lay
claim to discoveries in medicine, science, humanities and
literature.
Black men have inspired Socrates, Plato and others who
only gained their status by standing on the shoulders of
those men and women of color who came before them.
Black men love women, women of all shades of color.
Black men are notorious for giving and requiring love.
This is not a sexual love, but the emotional love that can
only be created from a Black man who loves his women.
This love is intoxicating and additive. There is much
love to share and many women seek this unique kind of love.
Black men are lovers, lovers of life and lovers of freedom.
Freedom that was denied them for over hundreds of years.
A Black man’s body may have been confined, during slavery,
but their soul, the essence that makes a Black man always
demands to be loved and to give love. To be free to
express this love in his freedom as only a Black man can.
Black men are proud fathers, proudly Black men have many
children either in wedlock or out of wedlock, but they love
and are proud of their children. Look at the fathers that
attend football, basketball and track meets.
Whether Black men are in the home or not, Black men are
proud of their children’s accomplishments.
Black men are strong, strong like the wills of a people struggling
to find their way either traveling across the Serengeti Plains or the
Sahara Desert. Black men are strong like the land they come from
that can support diversity in deserts, rainforests and urban civilizations.
Black men are timeless, timeless as history itself. Throughout time
Black men have participated in every facet of historical perspective
and importance only becauseof the cognitive inadequacies of other
cultures do they try to hide these facets throughout all of history,
but Black people know how influential the Black man has been.
Black men are unique, unique enough in their mentalities that
despite being enslaved, beaten, killed, and castrated, still seek
acceptance and equality. Black men have emerged from attempts
to be subjugated and evicted from their new homeland, (America).
Black men work to prove that they are unique and share in the
destiny of two great lands.
Black men are victorious, victorious in their struggle for existence.
We may never be accepted as our true selves, but our victory is in
our continued existence and struggle for acceptance and equality.
I’m proud to be a Black man, and love my Black people, all the shades
there are, as my brothers and sisters we share a rich and diverse
heritage that is both admired and respected.
I maybe mixed with White blood, Native American blood,
and Irish blood; I may annunciate my words, speak on an intellectual
level, but I’m still a Black man. I welcome my brothers and sisters to
their Blackness and to take pride in their African American heritage.
Society should not feel threatened by the Black man but
sleep easy that we only want what our brothers and sisters to be
treated with dignity, equality and respect.
Wm Jackson
" Copyright William D. Jackson All Rights Reserved 2007."