Don't Stop Your Fatherhood from Divorce

Continue being a father...

Sorry this blog is longer than usual, but
this is an important message to men
experiencing divorce and have children.

Men are taught not to cry, nor be soft and show
emotions. Keeping emotional status to a minimum,
to stay in control. What I share is a contradiction
of emotional and mental states, a contribution to
being a father to encourage divorced fathers.
Men that are fathers, grandfathers and stepfathers
are important to children and need to stay involved.

My son is 18 years old and a recent high school graduate,
who was born on January 7, 1992 is in college. You may
wonder why is this important:

The important part that as a father being divorced from
my children's mother since 1999, divorce did not keep me
from being involved in my children's life. I did not use
excuses about child support payments nor excuses that
they lived about an hour away and I had to go get
them every other weekend, split my summer vacation
with their mother.

Excuses are easy, but sacrifice is a challenge to the
commitment to a cause importantly being involved
with children. Enduring to do the right thing is not
always easy.

My reflections as a father, I watched my son at
orientation at FAMU allowed me the enlightenment of
why I nurtured, taught, prayed, and yes I fussed
and cussed at times to get my children to do what
they needed to do. I had to be proactive to know what
my children were doing at school even though I was
no longer in the home.

I suffered baby mama drama in the form of no
communication, not being offered school pictures, not
being invited to PTO/PTA meetings. Not being told
of school plays and events that the children were in.
I had to find out for myself, which I did and did attend
as much as I could. As a father I encouraged my children
to be productive and successful in school, working hard
to do for my children so I would never hear that I was a
deadbeat father, give ammunition to my children's mom
and her family to talk about me in any derogatory way,
they still did, but I taught my children to judge me by
my actions not their words. Even though I have and still
deal with baby mama drama it is worth it because my
son is in college, a high school graduate.

The divorce process is neither easy nor nice, some of
the most primal emotions rise to the surface, but men
should understand that it is not about who bests who,
who is the better parent. It is about what is best for
the children, if children are involved.
At times the process is unfair and it feels like a war,
but many divorcing parents do not always look at the
future and the preparation of their children for higher
education. I do not have all the answers, but do
encourage parents to make preparations for your children
to attend college or vocational school while they are young.
Trying to put aside your pain, accusations, anger and
demeaning behaviour to communicate with each
other that your child's academic success is important
will be almost impossible. The turbulence of the divorce
process can be demeaning as accusations whether valid
or invalid are discussed.
The best way to ensure collage attendance is to start
a college fund and deem a certain amount of money
going into the account by both parents. It does not have
to be the same amount from each, since the majority
of the time the man will be paying child support.
The mother must agree that a portion of the support
goes into a college fund. Not using this to get more
money, but to make sure that the children are provided for.
This I had to struggle through and know very well it is hard.
Many divorcing mothers want control over everything, but
communication and negotiation is the key.

Negotiating this while the children are young and starting
a fund is a necessity now because tuition prices are
continuously rising. The most affected are divorced
parents when they see their children want to go to
high education, but realize they do not have the money
and kick themselves in realizing they should have done
this when the child was young.
The accountability and responsibility aspect goes to both
parents to stay connected with their children's academic
strength and weaknesses. Fathers need to be visible in
the schools, to follow their child's academic growth.
Not leaving it up to the mother and blaming her for any
failures, nor should an uninvolved father try to take credit
for any successes of the child. The father is held
accountable because that is their child also. If a father
is not involved in elementary, middle and high school,
don't expect a graduation invitation when the time
comes around. I have witnessed this to many times
as a teacher. This makes the father look even lower
and will face more rejection from the child and family.

Helping to continue to raise children does have its
financial challenges. I have and continue to struggle
through financial hardship paying child support. I have
at times worked 4 jobs just to make ends meet. Working
to provide extra for when I have my children with me for
visitation. Learning that my children will love me regardless
of the money because they know that I love them and want
to spend quality time with them. Fathers understand it
is not the amount of money that you spend, but the
amount of time that you put in you and your
child's relationship. No one wins when parents are
competing with each other for a child's love. Focus on
the importance of being a good, responsible and involved
parent. I saw the fruits of my labour when my son enrolled
in college and I helped him accomplish this goal. My labour
was in traveling every other weekend as many divorced
dads do to pick up their children. Taking days off
from work to go and visit my son and daughter in
school. Talking to their teachers and eating lunch with
the class. Sending cards, letters, emails and texts,
showing my children that I love them instead of giving
lip service and not backing up my words with actions.
These are the things true fathers/real men do for their
children. Being present and connected, I did miss many
events, but my children understood that I was doing my
best and I kept the lines of communication open.

It did not matter the unkind words that were spoken
by my children's mother and grandmother about me to
them. That helped motivate me to be a better father.
Men can be and are driven away by women because the
woman is angry, hurt and wants to get back at the man.
These actions in the long run hurt the children's development
when the mother denies visitation even when support is
being paid. The mother will talk badly about the father
and make unwarranted accusations to the male child that
they will be like their father. Even if untrue statements
are made mothers can destroy their young son's
mental security and confidence. Encouraging destructive
behaviour, enticing it, nurturing behaviour that is antisocial.
The resulting behaviour from the child accumulates into
academic and social challenges that did not have to happen,
but was encouraged and taught to the male child
because the mother was still angry even after years of
being divorced. As the saying goes heard that and see the
results in my teaching of young males, both black and white.
Dads may deserver a cussing because of mistakes and choices,
but the children should not have to hear about it from their
mothers.

I have seen my children's emotional state change because
of harmful words from their mother and grandmother, but
I persevere through. Words and actions have hurt my daughters
and I relationship because of what has been said and continue
to be uttered, but I continue to pray and still communicate to
my daughter.
One day I hope to re-establish a loving and caring relationship
with my daughter so I must continue to let her
know that I do love her and it is not always about money.

I saw the fruits of my labour when my son hugged me during
college orientation. I hugged him back not wanting to let him
go because of the years of his childhood rushing back through
my mind. I kissed him twice on his head trying not to be soft,
not wanting to embarrass him in at his new home away from
home. I said something similar to I Love You and proud of you,
he replied I love you to.. As a father, of course I gave some
last tidbits of words of wisdom; be careful, be safe, and he
replied OK dad...

As I turned to leave I had to fight the feelings to look
back because I know I would cry, but that did not work.
As I walked back to my truck the tears started streaming.
Fathers do need to cry; it does not demean you or make
you weak. It just proves that you are a human being, a caring
person, a parent that loves their child. I realized my
son, whom I carried in my arms when born, read to, taught
computers to, shared French fries with, mowed the lawn with,
taught how to drive. The little boy who was my traveling
partner to the store or conferences out of town. Who went
with me to work and helped me in my classroom. Whose
hand I held when walking in the store, who I carried on
my shoulders. I remember talking about sex, drugs, and
life in general and the looks I got from him.
The young man that I watched graduate from elementary
school, middle school, high school and now attending
college. We shared ups and downs, and I did not want to
give up. I did not want to be another statistic of a deadbeat
father so I persevered.

I say thank you God for allowing me the opportunity to
be a father. I'am not perfect, at times I messed up and had to
ask forgiveness.. I had the chance to shape and mold
a young man to be a benefit to society not a menace or
statistic in the juvenile justice system. I know my son is not
perfect, he has his flaws; I rest in the knowledge that
I taught him things that my dad did not teach me.
Put God first in everything, the value and importance of
education, being respectful, and honest. Do not let people
take you for granted, do not allow people to use you nor
abuse you. To have values, morals that you can be and
will be successful. To be of service to you community and help
others when you can.

As I leave the campus of FAMU I place my son in God's hands
and say a prayer.... To God Be The Glory.... I will be there
at his college graduation. God willing and the creek don't rise.

Fathers press forward to be the best father that you can.
To meet challenges head on and overcome them. Do not
give in to quitting or giving up, because the life you give
up on will be your children. Don't allow others
to put you down or talk negatively to your children
about you. Don't give people this ammunition, if you wronged
their mother in any way apologize for your mistakes and do
better. I did. It was not easy, but when I did it my spirit
was at peace. Your children will not be children forever.
They will grow up and they will remember how involved
you were, how you over came and persevered.
Your children will remember who was
there to help them. We as men no matter what color
or culture must understand if we can make a baby we
have to continue to be responsible to and for that baby.
Making no excuses......

Edited by Cheryl Williams
Graduate of Andrew Jackson High School 1979
Mother of Mario (graduate of SCSU '04)
Darryl (FAMU senior '10)
Nicholas (FSCJ)
Single mother with a purpose and a plan.

Divorced Fathers Can Still Celebrate Being A Father

“Those who cut down good trees shall see never sign of blessing”(Tosefta, B'khorim II)

Fathers, regardless of the ravages of divorce don’t stop being fathers to your children. Provide good roots for your children; your children are extensions of you and possess your attributes, behaviors and emotional nuances. They still need your guidance and love to grow into productive men and women.

The process of divorce forces men to start over in life, requiring them to seek a new beginning, and rebuilding a relationship with their children, renewing their own spirituality, and the redirection of personal priorities in life. No matter what cultural background, maturity range, salary scale or religious conviction, divorce can be overwhelming, demeaning, financially draining (especially if you are providing child support and or alimony), and an emotional roller coaster that never seems to end.


In Matthew 6:33 it states, “..seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness…”, when searching for a redirection and renewed purpose through this challenging time, the best guide is the reading and interpretation of the Bible along with seeking the understanding of God’s Word. The reading and interpretation can refocus your life, redirect your spirituality through scripture and provide comfort and solace. Having gone through divorce it forced an accepting of what I need to improve in myself, not focusing on my perceived faults or shortcomings of others. The emotional turmoil of blame, anger, self-pity and shame are discarded and are distant memories. Now I focus on forgiving,accepting and my need to grow as a Christian man that is not perfect, but growing in the Lord every day.


As a divorced father I questioned how can I move on with my life, amplify my spirituality as a Christina man and be in my children’s lives being a positive force and not promoting or displaying negativity, these are my focus points. This day and everyday focusing on yourself as a father and man, refocus on the responsibilities of being a father, despite the drama of “Baby Mama Drama” that all men go through. This is not just a “Black thing”. Renewing and recharging the commitment and covenant you have with your children. Children are a blessing from God as written in Psalm 127:3, thus with this knowledge, our children being blessings from God we as men and fathers have a responsibility to be a part of our children’s lives and accept them as precious blessings from God our heavenly father. We have a responsibility to show Godly actions even when all round us there may be chaos and confusion. How can we grow if we hang on to our old actions and perceptions?


Fathers remember children are not commodities to be traded, fought over, or bargained for. Their well being should be placed first during this time of upheaval and emotional stress. Children do not cause divorce, but are directly affected by it. Because of this situation fathers will have to make sacrifices that will allow us to stay in our children’s lives. Our goal is to provide the best for our children regardless if they are with their mothers or with us. No one can take away from you that you are a parent and thus you must continue to aid in your children’s growth in dynamic ways. We may not be physically in the home, but our teachings, modeling, and prayers are present in our children’s life. Our essence of what we are is shared within our children. We must communicate with our children love, respect, and a commitment to guide them even when they do not want it. That means seeing them when we say we will, visiting their schools to check on them, calling to say Hello and I love you. Spending quality timewith our children and not competing with the other parent for our children’s attentions and loyalties.



As is states in Ephesians 6:4, “bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord”, our first responsibility that we must continue to teach our sons is to be respectful in order to get respect, the importance of education to obtain a career, provide for oneself and family and putting God first in all they do. Being fathers in our deeds and duties our sons will follow as we set the example of behavior.

In accordance with our sons we must also direct our daughters to be independent thinkers and aspire to be self supportive, not leaning on being reliant on any man to always provide for them. Our daughters will seek a man similar to our actions, demeanor and emotional statues even if it is self-destructive at times. We set the foundation on which they will look for in a mate. Just as our sons we must teach our daughters who will be mothers one day to put God first in their lives and seek Godly men. Not men who follow the latest trends in fashions, drugs, sexual deviations, cars and other material/physical things which are not long lasting and fleeting with time. We must teach our little girls that they are and can be empowered with dreams and aspirations to be successful. Using our best judgments even when challenged, highlight the best in them and their mothers.


No child likes to hear their father or mother verbally torn down and demeaned in any way, having gone through this myself and still at times, it challenges my spiritually and new acceptance to be saved. I had to pray when my children’s mother and her mother talked about me in an unkind way to my children about me, but I give God all the glory and praise, because I proved them wrong in my Actions and not just my Words. I madea commitment to be saved and worked to show it.

Sometimes you have to show that you are saved by conducting yourself as a Christian, speaking Christian words and not present yourself in an unChristian manner. As you work to this you are showing God, yourself and your children that you are a better person. Sometimes it does take time, but if you are going to be a Christian it is not easy and takes perseverance and continuous prayer.


Stated in John 10:30, “I and my father are one” Jesus makes this statement as a testimony to his father. The same holds true for fathers and their children, you are one in many ways with your children. Some of these ways are visually evident and some ways will manifest themselves as your child matures into adulthood. Through our lives we as men and fathers have obtained wisdom that we should pass on to our children. To prevent them from making the same mistakes as we have made.


Stated in John 10:30, “I and my father are one” Jesus makes this statement as a testimony to his father. The same holds true for fathers and their children, you are one in many ways with your children. Some of these ways are visually evident and some ways will manifest themselves as your child matures into adulthood. Through our lives we as men and fathers have obtained wisdom that we should pass on to our children. To prevent them from making the same mistakes as we have made.



In Proverbs 4:1-27 there is discussion of wisdom, gaining it through life experiences and reading of the Word. “Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom…” (Proverbs 4:7), and share it so our children will not make the same mistakes as we have. Real fathers guide their children, helping them to “deviate from the possible path of the wicked, and not go in the way of evil men” (Proverbs 4:14). Be the father your father may not have been to you, be the dad that your children can be proud of and seek for guidance. Remember that children are very forgiving and will not stay children forever. They will forgive your mistakes if you give them a chance and be open and honest with them. Send praise and worship up to our heavenly father first and watch the blessings come down. Take your children to church with you and teach them why they should go to church. To prepare them for lives challenges and that there is a God that loves themand is there for them.

Starting over is not easy, but the path can be much straighter, peaceful, comforting and less challenging if we recognize our heavenly Father first and continue to do the right thing by him and our children. Divorce is not the end of fatherhood just a new beginning and an opportunity to grow, but with the proper guidance from God’s help and the reading of his Word and sharing it with our children all will grow stronger.God Bless the divorced fathers, we are still fathers and dads in our children’s lives, but must stay involved, concerned and in prayer for wisdom and guidance.

William Jackson, M.Ed.
"Copyright William Jackson, All Rights Reserved 2008."